This isn’t a first. This is not even one of the firsts. But I hope that it is the first next.

Hello, my name is Mario and I want to communicate better than I did before.

So now I want to put myself right. I want to know what I’m saying, so that you know what it is I’m saying. I used to make lists of things I’m not, and then write those lists out. Thinking about that, it makes me wonder if I then claimed to be all the things but those I said I wasn’t?

If I never said I wasn’t a hare, how would you know?

And if I was a hare, wouldn’t it be nice to just say that?

I’m a graphic designer. Making graphics interests me. I study to learn how to make better graphics than I did before. I struggle with applying more time towards that goal. I am interested in fantasy and sci‑fi illustrations, especially that sweet spot occupied by book covers, be they books or graphic novels/comics.

I’ve learnt a lot during my years studying for my degree, but I feel dissatisfied with my own knowledge: I think I know too little, and I suspect that I am alone in this among my fellow students from years past.

I want this blog to serve the purpose of communicating what it is I am doing, what I am studying at the moment, to honestly leave a trail and I cringe at that thought: maybe years of being a punk have left me with an unhealthy view of working? But that is why I wanted this, why I even brainstormed a name for this blog, a name different from my own name: to maybe work through this strange feeling of lacking the knowledge, the craftsmanship, the skill, the talent, to really feel like a graphic designer.

And maybe arrive at a new understanding of myself and what it is I want. I tried being cool online when it was all about coming off as cool. I tried self‑marketing, and I quickly quit doing that, because, you know, that too felt as fake as trying to be cool. Couple of other things, burnt out on these too.

And now? Now I want to communicate with my own voice. I wonder what that’s like.

I put together my study plan for this week, and I managed to study three days out of six so far. Imagine, before I put that into words, on my screen, I’ve felt like a failure because of that. I tend to ignore the sheer amount of stress and maintenance in my life, so when my own lofty plans for myself do not succeed completely, I beat myself up over that. I think some people call that perfectionism, but I think that is just a noun meaning many things to many people.

I think my issue is my own inexperience with dealing with myself in a constructive manner that’s holding me back.

This is still my first life, so I want to keep the study going. I don’t know if I want to work as an illustrator but I sure would like to be able to capture someone’s likeness and communicate an emotion.

To me, graphic design is what I do. Not only what I do, but also. Maybe that is a good way for me to look at what it is I am doing and how I’m doing it. And now I want to know what is next.

Some graphic designers have all the talent. Some are in magazines. Some drive nice cars, and like sports.

I like to study design, and do studies. The world just might be large enough for me to allow myself to exist as such a designer as I am.

Consider this me turning on my own lighthouse. Who knows for whose benefit? Who cares? Right now, this is for my own benefit.

I just know that I need to be myself. Kind of forced to, really.

Source: My after‑hours blog on Tumblr Code & Canvas